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The cunning linguist, vol. 2
Since the first collection seemed to go down well, the inimitable aficionado of Gillanisms David Black has sent us another one. No Staffordshire bull terriers were harmed while preparing this for publication. Or so we’re told.
Smoke On The Water — Nobody’s Perfect
This may seem like a devilish ploy, but it’s one way to bring the proceedings to an end.
Hard Lovin’ Women – Pforzheim 1987
This is a little folk song. Actually, genuinely, this song is about nothing to do with anything apart from tits. Nothing to do with the person attached to them or anything. An entity, I mean, give them a fair shake. Let’s be fair. It’s called ‘Hard… (band kicks in Gillan’s pause) …Lovin’ Women’
Knockin’ At Your Backdoor (clarification) – Paris, 1985
One thing I ought to tell you before we go any further. In case you got the wrong impression earlier on. When we were doing Knockin’ At Your Backdoor and I was talking about nice slippery bums and all that, anal sex and everything else. Heaven forbid that you got the wrong idea. What I was talking about was good old upright Christian heterosexual buggery as opposed to the other kind.
Perfect Strangers – Nobody’s Perfect – Irving Meadows, 1987
Untold crimes. They used to asphyxiate people with a bunch of cohorts. It’s named after him in fact, and it’s called Perfect Stranglers
The Unwritten Law – Irving Meadows, 1987
The inspiration for this song we found in a bowl of entrails of a barely dead Staffordshire bull terrier. We did. Jon wasn’t there. It’s a thing called the Unwritten Law.
Bad Attitude – Budapest, 1987
It’s a new song from the new album, and it’s deadly serious, so shut up. It’s called Bad Attitude.
Dead Or Alive – Stockholm, 1987
This one’s all about what you shouldn’t be doing with hard drugs. It’s an anti-cocaine, anti-smack, anti-whatever. It’s a serious story. It’s a gentle ballad called Dead Or Alive
The Unwritten Law – Kalamazoo, 1987
While recently examining the entrails of a Staffordshire bull terrier we discovered the secret of diseases, and it’s not only coughs and sneezes, but it’s also an unwritten law. That’s the title of this song. It’s called don’t give people what you got in the first place. Staffordshire bull terriers, entrails, diseases. That’s what this song is about. The Unwritten Law.
Child In Time – Budokan, 1973
— It’s an old one, a great favourite of ours.
— (possibly Ian Paice) Oh no, it’s not.
— Oh yes, it is. Did you understand that? Have you ever been to a pantomime? It’s called Child In Time.
Talk About Love – Nancy, 1993
Thank you very much. Just sitting here thinking about Jamie Lee Curtis. Practising my overture and what I wanted her to do with my neck. Here’s one that make you go ooh! It’s called Talk About Love. Ooh!
Twist In The Tale – Nancy, 1993
Here’s another one about Jamie Lee Curtis, and it’s all about her tail.
Lazy – BBC In Concert 2017
This is from a long while ago. It was on a windy day, actually, and she was walking down in front of us. She leant forward into the wind, and I could see her nib-nubs rising above her wellies, closely guarded by four perfect tendons. The like of which you won’t see better this side of Wembley. And then she licked her lips lasciviously, and I thought I’ll do the same.
All I Got Is You – BBC IN Concert 2017
That was a few marching tunes to get us going, now time for a little light jazz with a few involuntary avant-garde passages about two disgruntled flat mates.
The Surprising – BBC IN Concert 2017
Beware of the chair that isn’t there, it’s a furniture illusion. If you ever squat on a chair that’s not, you’ll suffer some confusion. The monks of vine, crush the wine, get in on their smocks. It dribbles down their legs to their intoxicated socks…
(Don interrupts to start.)
Perfect Strangers – Osaka 1st night 1985
This is a story of an affair I had once with our manager’s dog. And has since had to have a hysterectomy because we weren’t truly matched. We still communicate with each other from time to time and I send her flowers, and I still point my finger in the right direction. This is very important when you’re thinking about the whole story because you have to bear in mind due to the underlying emotion. It’s called Perfect Strangers
Under The Gun – Osaka 1st night 1985
This is something that’s about the things that generally piss us off. Annoying things like god brothers, perpetrators of the worst crimes possible — like people who think they can leave stupid spotlights on during a laser show and everything else you can think of. This one in German is called — Under Ze Gun. Thank you.
Child In Time – Osaka 1st night 1985
This song was written in 1969 in a small room about half the size of this stage. Well, maybe four seventeenths or five seventeenths and a half. It’s stayed with us for a long time, and it’s called Child In Time.
Anyone’s Daughter – Birmingham, 1993
We now have the imminent arrivement, arrivement? arrivement, arrivement. The imminent arrival of a stool. Upon this tool will be sitting a person, here is a microphone and here is a pedal. This pedal will become a blur as the evening wears on. And I’d like to introduce our guest percussionist, Elton John.
Battle Rages On – Birmingham, 1993
A song about love and hate and how hate always seems to come out on top.
Space Truckin’ – Birmingham, 1993
A little, a little err, a little – what was it? — a little Rock and Roll, that’s right. A little Rock & Roll. Nice Bristols, see the tits on that, Rog? Corrgh.
Smoke On The Water – Genoa, 1973
Just over a year ago now we were in Montreux in Switzerland recording the Machine Head album and this tells the story, this song of the burning down of the casino in Montreux while we were there and all the other silly things, insignificant things that happened while we were there. Actually, basically it’s about the burning down of Claude Nobs. We tied his elbows together behind his back, so I think it’s chest Nobs – if you don’t believe that, then I’ve nothing else to say. It’s called Smoke On The Water, this one.
Mary Long – Genoa, 1973
Here’s one now, it’s a new thing off our platter out at the moment. It’s all about an evil situation in England which we’re trying to put to rights. And it’s basically about doing away with people like Colin Hart and that sort of person. It’s a thing called Mary Long.
Space Truckin’ – Osaka 1973
Here’s a song you can fiddle about in your trousers to.
Battle rages on – Stockholm 1993
Here’s a song about love and hate. And how, over the years, over the times, hate always seems to win.
Unauthorized copying, while sometimes necessary, is never as good as the real thing
BRILLIANT!! He has some good ones on the current tour as well😂
October 13th, 2024 at 10:09Seriouly.. Im not too impressed by Gillans small talk introducing the next song on the agenda.. I actually think Blackmore would do a better job LOL!!
October 13th, 2024 at 11:29Cheers!!
Yo,
Good stuff !
qt.”It was 4-‘nill at 1/2 time in the dressing room with Ivan the terrible”…
Adonai vasu !
October 13th, 2024 at 11:34Only a Deep Purple fan can appreciate Ian’s fantastic speeches between songs.
It would take at least 20 episodes here to write them all!
We love our Big Ian for these pearls of wisdom too!
October 13th, 2024 at 12:08How can we not mention MIJ‘s legendary “Can we have everything louder than everything else?!”? 😂 Initially quipped by Ritchie (but wouldn’t it then have been “Can my guitar please be louder than everything else!”?), it was Big Ian who repeated it into the microphone. And it became Lemmy’s/Motörheads call to arms.
Honorary mention, though said by Jon Lord at the Kilburn Gaumont on 22 May 1974 at an Mk III gig after the band introduction: “And my name is Rick Emerson.”
October 13th, 2024 at 13:31Gillan got a shot in on Colin Hart.
October 13th, 2024 at 15:19Colin didn’t like Ian’s blasé upper class reaction when he (Colin) mentioned his nephew, Paul Mann, was a conductor … It’s in Colin’s book.
October 13th, 2024 at 22:56On this tour in the US. I believe it was in Scranton, Ian starts telling a story and someone yells out Smoke on the Water and Ian replies we will get to that later, anyway he starts telling his story again and the same guy yells out Smoke on the Water. Ian walks over to him and says “I’m trying to tell a story will you shut the fuck up” the whole place starts laughing their ass off. He did not say it again.
October 14th, 2024 at 01:42Thanks for this nice collection. I’ve often found Gilllans between the songs ramblings worth the fee alone. On a show during the HOBL-tour I remember he had the opportunity to expand them due to technical problems on stage. He told a joke, sang nursery rhymes with rather disturbing lyrics to them (“Ma is in the kitchen with her finger where it’s itching…”) … as always he didn’t bother to think of the fact that not everone in the audience is a native english speaker … so most people didn’t really get it. There are two barriers with Ian’s little speeches: the foreign language PLUS the rather strange sense of humour that – as I far as a I can see – even many british, let alone amercian, listeners don’t get. Personally I can add some hearing problems so I can only enjoy half of it. But that half is just hilarious!
“That’s the trouble with zen budhism…” he told us about last time I saw the band and I can’t wait what’s on the agenda for next weeks show.
October 14th, 2024 at 07:43@6 it’s friendly! I think Colin is performing roadie duties and IG just makes a point of mentioning it. IG invites someone to comment on mic which I suspect is CH but can’t be sure
October 14th, 2024 at 08:21@4 I haven’t finished but 20 episodes is a stretch!
October 14th, 2024 at 08:23@9 Max , I’m a Brit. Translations and context available on request.
October 14th, 2024 at 08:24“I’m a Brit.”
Which of course means that when David says “That’s a very interesting idea.” he’s stating that you are talking total rubbish and when he begins a sentence with “I’m sure it is my fault …”, you know you have messed up badly and all the blame lies fairly and squarely with you. Also, “not bad” is actually quite good, while “good” means something is severely lacking.
Brexit means Brexit though. 😅
October 14th, 2024 at 13:17I still wonder why Ian G mentioned Elton John in ‘Anyone’s daughter’?
October 14th, 2024 at 15:21Was it a bet he had lost? 😃
Didn’t you know, Karin? Ian Paice and his brother Reginald were identical twins, but tragic circumstances had them separated at early childhood, Reginald was given to adoption with the Dwights. Of course, he later learned piano and sang a little with them. His twin brother Ian, distraught about the loss of Reg, sought solace in drumming – and the rest, as they say is history.
It has been a running gag within the DP camp for a long time that Little Ian and Sir Elton bear an uncanny resemblance. Also, no one has ever really seen them in the same room together, so who knows what the real truth is …
October 14th, 2024 at 19:24@15
October 14th, 2024 at 20:00Oh ok…..
I’m impressed that two identical twins can be born with 15 months between them, at that period in time! Poor mum who had to be pregnant for such a long time.
Yo,
I watched the “Hellfest” bonus DVD that came with “Whoosh” last night ( awesome gig btw ), & you could fill a book with all the inter-song commentary delivered by IG lol !
Adonai vasu.
October 14th, 2024 at 22:10Now haven’t we had interesting subjects today: twins, Little Ian and royalty … can we get it all together in one snapshot?
Voilà, Vicky Lord and Jacky Paice (needless
to say I can’t tell them apart!) and some dude who did a tampon commercial once I think.
https://c8.alamy.com/compde/2aejean/prinz-charles-prinz-von-wales-treffen-personal-und-patienten-und-wohltatigkeitsveranstaltungen-vicky-herrn-und-jacky-tempo-mit-grossen-ormond-street-childrens-hospital-in-london-2aejean.jpg
October 14th, 2024 at 22:24Uwe @13 you are, of course, correct but you missed off “with all due respect” from your list which really means “I’m about to disagree with you in an insulting and patronising manner”
Oh and I didn’t vote for it.
October 15th, 2024 at 23:29@12 Thanks a lot, David! I might have to have you around next tuesday …
October 16th, 2024 at 07:41Remoaner Dave @19: Nor would I have thought so, you strike me as the cerebral type!
October 17th, 2024 at 01:54PS: David, now that your National Football Team is under new traineeship, all will be well, you little dambusters! There are no limits to what you guys can do under proper/ordentlicher German instrüctiön. 😇
October 17th, 2024 at 13:29Uwe, I believe you are referring to association football for which I have no interest. Association football is a gentlemen’s game played by hooligans. I prefer Rugby football- a hooligans game played by gentlemen. I suggest the likelihood of our national team coming under the stewardship of a German is slight however beneficial it might be.
October 18th, 2024 at 00:12“Association football” – LOL!
Such piercing, yet controlled Brit indignation, lovely! Reminds me of the American accent law firm partner who went to a business dinner in London and asked for “a tomato salad” in his NYC lingo (“tuh-may-DOE salad”) with the Brit waiter replying helpfully without batting an eyelid: “Didn’t quite catch what you said, Sir, I’m afraid, but you possibly meant a toe-MA-toe salad?” 😄
October 18th, 2024 at 14:25“Good old upright Christian heterosexual buggery”
That has to be one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever read – I remember hearing the show this is from, and and when he said this, I burst out laughing being someone who plays for both teams. I can’t help but feel Ian is poking fun at homophobic attitudes with a wink and a nod.
Utter gold, whatever the case may be.
October 18th, 2024 at 18:43@24. Uwe, love your first sentence. Spot on. Made I laugh.
October 19th, 2024 at 13:59Ian Gillan eat your heart out. It seems the Lemster is talking & scribbling from the other side. Cheers
https://www.noise11.com/news/motorhead-to-publish-lemmy-doodle-book-20241024
October 24th, 2024 at 08:38