NEW "PAICEY" PACEMAKER WITHDRAWN FROM MARKET

Orlando, FL, USA (AP) -- On the eve of a planned celebrity-studded new-product unveiling, Purpletronik Biomedical finds itself in the position of recalling the prototypes that have already been delivered and halting production of the new product indefinitely.

The new Purpletronik "Ian Paicemaker," named for famed Deep Purple drummer Ian Paice, was slated for general commercial distribution starting Wednesday, October 9, 1997 worldwide. The date marks the twenty-fifth anniversary of the now infamous "Heinz Fierberger Incident," when a German concert security guard had an attack of unstable angina during the fast kick drum part of an Ian Paice drum solo. When the snare drum came back in on that fateful night -- with a "*whap* *whap* *whapwhapwhapwhap*" -- Herr Fierberger went down (he eventually made a full recovery and today is an anti-rock and roll activist).

Paice was so deeply distraught by the incident, he had fleeting, passing thoughts from time to time over the years about doing something about it. So when Roland Goldberg, Vice President of Marketing for Purpletroniks approached Paice about an endoresement, he naturally jumped at the chance to help.

"Yeah, I mean, it's only right, innit?" Paice selflessly expressed. "I mean, once he reminded me who he was talking about and mentioned the endorsement fee, I realized how an unselfish act on my part could help thousands worldwide. I'll probably send a free one to Charlie Watts. Ha ha!"

Paice, known for impeccable timing and boundless energy, was a natural inspiration for a pacemaker. Unfortunately, it seems the device works too well. Mrs. Elena Urgenscholz of Winter Park, Florida, described her experience: "I woke up from the surgery and there was this thundering in my chest! I felt liked I'd run a mile! I mean, 'budda da budda da budda da budda da' -- it didn't *stop*!"

Too many of the recipients of the Ian Paicemaker were experiencing similar symptoms. Purpletronik spokesmen issued a statement saying the technology would be retained, and was already being modified into a prototype engine for the Indianapolis 500 Ian Paicemaker race car.

For The Highway Star in Florida:
Brad DeMoranville

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